Jugular vein.
It throbs in my jugular vein.
‘Leave me.’
It hurts where my blood flows.
Like sharp needles piercing through my life support.
Bum dum. Bum deed um dum.
The rhythm of your existence, I cannot sleep anymore.
Without the music of your heartbeat.
The Mumbo Jumbo. Drum drumming drummed in my ears as I lay on your chest.
Thinking of days when I was younger.
Politer. Kinder. Perhaps, happier.
Days of yesteryears. When I was still a dreamer.
Counting the spaces between us. Singing in silence of the unsaid.
Miscalculated misconceptions.
The unspeakable. The unworthy of being said.
Always.
Wondering where you were, there, near me; as I went yonder into familiarity.
Grounds I left to venture into the unknown.
The forgotten desire to know more than need be.
‘What are you thinking?’
Rhetorical questions, I beg you to answer.
Well aware that you were far beyond my reach.
Convulsing in silence.
Meditating upon your own private mysteries.
Yet.
I plead and plead.
Just to feel your limbs vibrate as the sounds that keep our joints moist rush through your mouth.
My skin prickles.
I’m happy.
I’m happy, when I’m silent with you.
Unprecedented.
Lucky me.
I thought for a day or two.
‘I want you to just leave me.’
Alone.
I was alone for too long.
I’ve been alone for too long.
Silent without you for too long to know better than to say anything at all.
Too long.
I’ve been silent for too long to know what to say anymore.
‘I like you.’
Tremble. Shiver. Quiver.
Please.
Talk, voices, words.
They ruin us.
You. Me. Us.
‘I just need you to leave.’
It pricked into my skin.
The unwarranted need to kiss.
I floated above ground for a second.
But, I’m human. More or less.
Things I’ve done. Truth be told.
Demon like almost.
I’m still human.
More or less.
Fix it.
I can fix it.
‘Nothing to fix.’
Nothing.
I have nothing left to offer.
Don’t you hear the emptiness rumbling inside me?
‘I watched you sleeping, twitching, grinding your teeth.’
I twitch because I cannot forget.
I grind my teeth in vain for the lost.
Nightmares.
Sounds. I make sounds with my organs. Crying for the comfort of having something to promise.
The luxury of something to give to someone you want to hold.
I will not forget.
The day my organs broke into smithereens and became liquid instead.
I can still fix it.
How my jugular vein throbbed.
How the rhythm vanquished.
Bum dum. Bum deed um dum.
The Mumbo Jumbo. My heartbeat slowly disappeared into the void.
Smoldering slowly, painfully inside it's own hollow cavity.
I heard the throbbing.
When the light from within me evaporated. Dissolving into the people around me.
Bullet holes. Smoke rings.
I have time.
I can fix it.
I was brave. Once. I was invincible.
I was the kid with a leather satchel bag stuffed with stolen beer cans.
I jumped roof top to roof top.
Rambling senseless prophesies as they looked.
Drunk on youth and pride. Once, I was foolish enough to be truly alive.
I yelled, screamed and kicked, ‘I will change the world.’
The child in me avenged, ‘I will change this world.’
Fickle promises were howled at the moon, ‘I will change this world, before it ever changes me.’
I was brave. Once, long ago, I was alive.
You would have liked me. Better. I was better.
‘You’re not good for me.’
It wouldn’t have hurt me.
I could have fixed it.
‘I don't want you around.’
Hope.
I could have fixed it with hope.
Drum, drumming, drummed as I lay listening to hope die.
The day I lost my innocence.
